When someone you love or work with experiences a loss, you may be surrounded by advice about how to support them in the immediate aftermath. But grief doesn’t have a timeline, and it’s not something to “get over.” The grieving person will continue to need support long after other people have stopped checking in.

This Grief Awareness Day, we want to bring light to what happens in the months and years after a loss, and what we can do to offer support. What matters most is continuing to show up and making space for their grief, however it changes over time.

Don’t forget they’re still grieving

Even if it has been months, years, or even decades since the loss, your loved one is still grieving. Their grief may not look the same as it did in the first few weeks. They may have returned to work and “normal life.”

But grief never completely goes away. The pain may become less raw, and most people learn to move forward alongside the loss. But it’s a mistake to believe that the person has “moved on” just because they’re no longer in acute pain.

This doesn’t mean that you need to talk about the loss constantly, especially if the grieving person seems like they want to talk about other aspects of life. Just keep in mind that their world has been permanently altered. Grief is not something you “get over.”

Continue checking in beyond the first few weeks

Grieving people often receive a lot of support in the first few weeks after the loss. Loved ones may bring food and offer other types of practical support. They may try to make sure that the grieving person never has to be alone.

But many people report that after the initial shock has passed, support tends to wane. People return to their lives. It can feel like the world has simply moved on and forgotten. This can often be when depression and loneliness set in.

Don’t disappear. Continue being present even after time has passed and things have seemingly returned to “normal.” Ask directly how they’re feeling and how they’re coping with the loss.

Remember anniversaries and milestones

Certain dates can bring grief back to the forefront. For example, birthdays and the anniversary of the death may be especially painful. So can holidays, especially “first” holidays (like the first Christmas, Mother’s Day, etc., since the death). Personal milestones, even typically happy ones like a marriage, can also feel bittersweet when the person they lost isn’t there to share them.

Consider adding important dates to your calendar so you remember to check in. You could send a simple message like, “I know today may be difficult. I’m thinking of you.” They may not want to talk about it, but simply acknowledging the date can help them feel less alone.

Understand that grief can come in waves

Grief often comes in waves. This means that the person can suddenly become overcome with grief even if they seemed “fine” a moment before. It also means that different emotions can come up as the person moves through grief. For example, they may suddenly start feeling angry about the loss, even years later.

Don’t act surprised or judgmental if the person seems to feel differently from one moment to the next. Allow them to experience whatever emotions come up without expecting their grief to follow a logical progression. You can support them simply by listening and reminding them that they don’t need to hide how they’re feeling around you.

Share memories if you knew the deceased

Many grieving people want to know that the person they lost is still remembered, especially when it feels like the world has forgotten them. If you also knew the deceased, continue saying their name and sharing memories when it feels appropriate. You might talk about a time the person made you laugh or send them a photo you think they would appreciate.

You may worry that bringing up the deceased will remind your loved one of their grief. But they probably haven’t forgotten about the loss. Sharing a memory can reassure them that their loved one’s life still matters to other people. But it’s also helpful to pay attention to how the grieving person responds. Some people find these conversations comforting, while others may not want to talk about the deceased at certain times.

As your EAP, we’re here for you

Grief is a universal experience. It can affect every area of your life, including your emotional health and your ability to function at work.

Your MINES Employee Assistance Program can connect you with confidential support as you cope with a loss or help someone you love through grief. Counseling and crisis support are available 24/7 to our members.

Contact MINES to learn more about the resources available through your EAP.

To Your Wellbeing,

The MINES Team